Investing time together
Kids remember the time and memories you give them.
The material gifts, be it the newest toy, or most modern styled pair of jeans, will be long forgotten as the child ages, but how you made them feel, that is something that will remain, long after the jeans are handed down (or given to the charity store).
Being a parent, a Dad/Step Dad, specifically, is something that I cherish. It gives me a sense of ‘vividness’ and magic in my life.
And I don’t think I’m unique in this regard. Of my male friends, so many of them are actively thinking about how they parent, and how they could parent better. Being the best Dad I can is a part of how I define myself. I’ve spent many, many, many hours in thinking about what kind of Dad I am going to be. Before I even had a partner let alone a child, I thought about what kind of things I wanted to help my kids discover. Some of these ‘things’ were specific lessons (like how to start a fire), some were just ways of being (care about your community), and yet, still others were the importance of connection to their best self.
‘Like Father, like son’
My Dad, and I
School photos, 1970s
When I look at my kids and step kids, I know that I rarely get the ‘powerful poignant moment’ for teaching a specific useful skill. It does happen from time to time… but I suspect that for the most part, the kids learn from me through ‘my way of being’.
They see how in conflict, I try to de-escalate and find common ground. They see how I give my attention and kindness to the wait staff when we, on occasion, go out to eat. They see how I set down my phone before paying for petrol, and give the attendant my full attention and kind smile.
And they learn that families eat together and talk, and share stories of our day. My wife and I role model a sharing of household chores, and we teach them that these chores are essential to keeping a family and a Home together. We have taught them to take on chores themselves, and to do a job that is worthy. We teach them to listen to, and support one another, encouraging each child’s successes and growth.
And these are not always easy conversations. Even as a leadership expert and professional coach, raising four kids in a blended family with my wife has its challenges. And many days after a day as an entrepreneur, I don’t always show up my best. But every day, I show up wanting to do better.
And my kids know it.
‘there is a Sacred element in the sharing of food’
Duck Pancakes
the Family Table
While I am an active Dad, it is not something that is done for my wife. It is not something that is done ‘because I SHOULD do it’. It is done because I want to do this. Parenting is a responsibility and an achievement, and a problem to be solved. How can I help each individual young person in my family be their best self, overcome their unique challenges, and grow to become a productive and happy adult?
The way is very similar to the advice I give the most senior of executives, we have to think deeply about how we are leading / parenting and why. We have to take time to think about what lessons we are teaching, and how we are teaching these.
It is challenging work, and sometimes it can be painful work, for it can show where we, as parents, need to lift our game… and where we may need to let go a little.
Yet by concentrating on the child, putting their highest need as a priority, it becomes far more clear as to what course of action needs to be taken.
I’m reminded of a quote by one of my heroes, Robert K. Greenleaf, who said of leader:
“The best test of a servant-leader, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? ”
This is the test that I hold myself to. That I encourage any parent to hold themselves to. Any leader as well.
And this is not to say it is easy. It is never easy. There are always competing priorities and limited resources and contextual disagreements.
‘creating whimsy’
Christmas cookies
the Family Table
However, there is hope.
While the individual ‘powerful poignant moments’ when a kid really listens to your advice is rare, what is encouraging is that they learn more from your example of HOW YOU LIVE. This provides some leeway for us as parents who think we need to get it 100% right all the time!
We don’t. We just need to make sure that we know the key that educator, businessman, and author Steven Covey said:
“The key is not to prioritise your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”
We have to make sure that we are clear on what we value in our lives.
I know that I value my family. I know that I want to give them access to the things that have ‘saved’ me when I was struggling.
Things such as the arts.
Since coming together, my wife and I have placed a priority on providing opportunity for our kids to attend live music. Partly because there is such a power in seeing an artist (best in a small venue) perform with their earnest intent. And partly, because live music is just FUN!
‘anticipation for something big’
Post Modern Jukebox
Lewellyn Hall, Australian National University
And yet, as I wrote about with my ‘rule of four’ for parenting and leading in an earlier post written during school holidays and a walk the kids and I did in Canberra (link here), it is important to not just take them to the music that we enjoy…
‘already gone…’
The Eagles Story (AMAZING Eagles cover band)
The Q theatre, Queanbeyan, NSW
… but also to go to the music that they enjoy too - showing that they have insights and value and merit in teaching us (older) folks some amazing things too!
‘experience…’
Ludovico Einaudi
The Opera House, Sydney, NSW
… even when the crowds are considerably younger than I am…
‘mammaia…’
Maneskin
Horden Pavilion, Sydney, NSW
… or when the music is new bands, still discovering their sound, and playing under the highway in pop-up concerts!
‘the path to find out…’
Gutwrench Records pop-up concert
Under the Barton Highway, Lyneham, ACT
Another value, that I want to share with my kids, the healing quality of silliness, and play.
Research has proven that play can help boost productivity by up to 20%!
In an article in Forbes Magazine, Senior Contributor Tracy Bower, PhD looked at the recent study by Brigham Young University which showed that teams that played collaboratively together for just 45 minutes were able to increase their productivity on work tasks by up to 20 percent! (link here).
‘the tricky wicket…’
Canberra Croquet Club
Canberra, ACT
There is a saying that play can lead from ‘ha ha!’ to ‘ah ha!’ and that insights, which have been difficult to find, can more easily arise after some break from work, (from play, or connection).
When they can find humour in their life a leader, or parent, who is willing to play and learn, and risk not knowing, can really connect with and engage those that they lead (or parent…in this case). One of the things that has 'saved’ me, as I encountered challenge, difficulty and strife in my life, was a sense of perspective and a sense of humour.
Demonstrating that I can adventure, and be silly, and have fun, and demonstrating this with other adults is something that I’ve always wanted to give my kids, and am now doing so. It helps my kids see what ‘wholesome fun’ can be, and is one of the things that I strongly feel is important in providing a safe place for the kids themselves to explore and have a laugh at their own silliness and explorations!
‘in the image of her father…’
Dia de los Muertos costumes
Halloween
‘a classy, if not whimsical, skeleton’
Dia de los Muertos costumes
Halloween
Industriousness is another deeply held value. Ever since I was a boy and read Emerson’s essay on Self-Reliance, or Thoreau’s writings at Waldon, I’ve valued the ability to figure something out and find value in repairing things, renewing them, and re-purposing them. This is, in my mind, an essential skill, not just for material things, but for relationships as well.
I was blessed in that my Mom taught me how to sew, and bought me my first sewing machine, which I’ve used to create costumes, repair drapes, hem pants, and in general, have fun with fabric. This is a skill I taught my children too - albeit only one of the four really resonated!
‘stuff that works…’
Using my Husqvarna sewing machine (Thanks MOM!)
(Making a fake fur lined viking cape from drapes)
What does ‘respect’ mean, and how do I teach it?
This has been one of the central insights on my parenting path. And again, I’ve no easy answers.
I know respect can be for one’s self. Self-respect is closely associated with self-agency and self-confidence. Both are things that I actively work on helping my kids discover.
Respect also comes from learning about tools and how to care for the tool, understand its appropriate use, and through this, respect both risk and reward. This, in turn, helps to provide opportunities for safety to prevail even when engaging with risk.
‘I did it myself …with your help’
Making a loft bed
Under the vines at the Artist’s Woodshed Retreat
While it may be ‘old fashioned’, I strongly believe that every home should have tools, and that parents, if they were not taught how to use them, should learn.
There are so many benefits to this, and lessons of independence that can benefit not only the household, but your role as a parent, and can translate into your working life too.
Think about this. Every house, and every relationship, will, eventually, require repairs.
Many of these repairs can be done, more easily by an industrious soul, if they are willing to learn and put in a little elbow grease.
Understanding how to use the tools that are relevant to the job at hand definitely helps… and this goes for material tools (such as circular saws), as well as leadership tools such as frameworks like the ‘contextual leadership framework’ or ‘will/skill matrix’ (more on this in an earlier post here).
‘Mentors and guides’
My Grandfather
wearing his buckskins for historical re-enactments
My grandfather taught me a lesson as a young man, when he said that he, when he was a young man, wondered why anyone would pay someone else to do the minor repairs around a house, when you could, for the same cost, buy the tool, and gain the experience and knowledge in how to make that repair, leaving you not only with a fixed thing, but the knowledge, tools, and confidence to be more independent to boot.
His wife, my Grandmother also was a practical soul, teaching me to think things through. “What did you think was going to happen, Jimmy, before you did that?” she would say. They taught me industriousness. Self-sufficiency. And this deeply resonated with a young lad who had, perhaps, an over strong desire for autonomy!
I know I am blessed with the ability to have children, (biological and step), and take this responsibility seriously. And, in so doing, I have found such a sense of purpose and pleasure (and exhaustion and pain!!!) that has filled this poet’s mind full of metaphor and insights.
If you are a Dad (or any parent) and want to better connect with your children… try to first connect with your values, and then find the overlaps in the values that your child has expressed as theirs. Share music… not just yours, but theirs too! Attend events together, not just of your choosing, but of theirs too! And let them see you learn, fail, recover, and have fun in the process. The safer you can make the environment for them to be themselves in, the more that they will share what it is that they see makes them unique - and the more opportunity you will have to relish in their growth!
‘finding adventure, disclosure, and fun in childhood’
all four of my kids / step kids
after canoe training with me, sharing their insights and laughter
