Connecting
We exist in relationship with others. That is the fact of it. If not for others, we would not be here.
This is true in the literal sense, in that regardless of your upbringing, you were conceived. And when you could not care for yourself as an infant, you were given enough to enable you to survive.
Our ability to connect has kept us alive. Others helped us to get what we needed to survive. And we learned how to build connection with others, to enable this to occur.
In the 1990’s, groundbreaking research discovered one of the ways we connect. What was found was that specific neurons in our brain, light up like fireworks when we observe the behaviours of others. These ‘mirror neuron’s’ were further studied and found to be instrumental in helping us build new skills, acquire knowledge, and, importantly form deep emotional connections.
'Sharing connection'
Insightful Path Photo
Gunning Fireworks Festival
Our need for connection is a part of us. In the 1960’s a behavioural scientist, Harry Harlow created an experiment which demonstrated the importance of comfort, companionship, and love in promoting healthy development. His study involved infant monkeys who were given a choice of two inanimate ‘surrogates’: one a wire and wood shape with a milk bottle in it, the other a soft foam and cloth shape. The infants chose the cloth ‘mother’ over the wire ‘mother’, and would return to ‘her’ whenever startled. Connection is wired into us.
'the importance of companionship'
Harlow H. F., Dodsworth R.O., & Harlow M. K. (1965) Total isolation in monkeys. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in the United States of America
This connection is critical for development, and for growth. Life is hard and full of strife, however heroism and hope are all around us. As a boy growing up, I remember watching “Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt” and deeply enjoying the way he shared the stories, the connection with people across America. His deep voice asking insightful questions, and revealing a deep acknowledgement of the ‘noble’, heroic, and shared desires of those he met with.
I recently viewed a post from New Zealand born Samoan author and communicator, Mataio Taimalelagi Brown MNZM. It contained a really powerful video, which you can watch on the website loveubro.org.
The video moved me. It demonstrated the power of connection. Men across demographics, across spectrums, reached out to connect with another man in their life, and to tell them that they love them.
'Love you Bro Day'
loveubro.org
To me, it spoke to the fact that there are so many stereotypes that people wear, consciously and unconsciously, yet in our hearts, we want to feel acknowledged, appreciated, and loved.... this is a really important initiative and inspired me to reach out to some of the men in my life who I appreciate and love.
“We are wired for connection because we are social creatures. So telling your... friends that you love them, is as crucial as needing sleep.”
Connection means we have a witness to our lives. In my childhood, I remember reading my Dad’s copy of Studs Terkel’s “Hard times”. Within this wonderful book, Terkel captured the living stories, the narratives, of people who survived the great depression in the American 1930s.
One of my favourite quotes from Studs Terkel is:
“Ordinary people are capable of doing extraordinary things, and that is what it’s all about. They must count. ”
We are all capable of doing extraordinary things. Think on this. You have already survived 100% of everything you’ve encountered. It is not that you don’t have scars. You may. It is not that you escaped unscathed. You may still hold the injuries of the past. But you survived. And so have those around you. Through pain. Through difficulty. Through personal crisis.
Everyone.
Every single person you care about, who is alive today, has survived, and is capable of being more than just the ‘ordinary’. They are capable of being extra ordinary. And they have stories that have helped them to be who they are today. These stories are there, but waiting for the opportunity to be witnessed. And these people, who you care about, who are a part of your community, they bear witness to your life just as much as you bear witness to theirs.
“We need a witness to our lives... You’re saying ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’. ”
Acknowledgement of another’s story matters. As a trained mediator, and facilitator, I know that when people don’t feel heard, they find it difficult to really listen. As a palliative care volunteer, crisis counsellor and transformational leadership facilitator, I know that when someone feels deeply heard, they are able to deeply listen, and understanding and connection more easily arise. Acknowledgement of another is a component of witnessing their life experience. Witnessing…. without judgement, and for the express intent of connection.
Why don’t you reach out today to someone you care about. Listen to your own intuition about who to choose, but observe what happens for you, and for the person you connect with. They have shared a part of their story with you, and there is power in sharing with them your appreciation for their existence.
'Connection on the Insightful Path'
Insightful Path Photograph
Settlers' Track, Namadgi National Park, ACT
Remember, they, like you, exist with the help of your connection, and sharing your paths toward insight.
